a. e. smith’s official website

Junk mail, beloved junk mail.  This time you’ve gone too far.  I don’t mind the useless clothing brochures.  I can handle an occasional free sample of lotion.  But this?  THIS?

No joke.  A copy of American Cheerleader magazine arrived in my mailbox today.  Addressed to me.  Don’t ask me how I got on this mailing list.  I have never cheered a day in my life.  Oh, and p.s. I’m not in high school or college.  I have a job and a house and a 401k.  And if I were to suddenly be interested in teen mags, I have a feeling that this would not be at the top of the list.

I mean, the number of exclamation points in this publication is exhausting.  So is the obviousness of why I never wanted to be a cheerleader.

At least I’ve been amused by the advertisements.  Teen ads are so much easier to mock than adult ones.

“When you’re strong, you sparkle.”  Just like Tinkerbell!

“Made with a crazy-absorbent material…”  You read that correctly: crazy-absorbent.  It’s a good thing they hyphenated.

I have, however, learned a few things.

- Most cheerleaders who voted on a MySpace poll considered themselves either “popular and outgoing” or “fun and friendly” as opposed to “sporty and spunky,” “leader & motivator,” “intense and competitive,” or “low key and supportive.”  I feel a lot better knowing that.

- There’s a bigger market of shaving creams and razors, lotion, acne face wash and feminine hygiene products than I ever imagined.

- Fashion at cheer camp is, like, way important.

- There are lots of variations of cheer uniforms…and they all look exactly alike.

One cheerleader noted the 5 best things about going to college.  Here were her rankings:

1.    The dining hall.
2.    Parties.
3.    College football.
4.    Going to class every morning, instead of work!
5.    I get to cheer!

Let’s just say that my favorite things looked slightly different.  (Hint: they didn’t include parties, football or cheer.)  But that’s just me.

Another useful feature in the magazine is a monthly Cheer O Scope.  I don’t mean to brag, but as a Gemini it looks like I’ve got big things ahead of me:

“So much to do!  Your focus is on changes the squad will face once this year’s seniors leave: figuring out the stunts and choreography occupy most of your non-academic time.  At home, redecorating your room takes precedence over chores in both your mom’s mind and yours (for once!).  Create plenty of room for all the sleepovers you’ll be having: social life rules!”

That’s seriously what it says.  I didn’t change a thing.

I don’t mind cheerleaders.  Honest.  I think it’s great we have them.  I just resent them rah rah rah-ing in my mailbox.  I don’t need reminders that I can’t do the splits and could never be a “flyer” unless supported by a team of WWF wrestlers.  I’m happy living in a world that doesn’t require me to wear mini-skirts or use pom-poms on a regular basis.

But hey, for those who can, go team go.