a. e. smith’s official website

Junk mail, beloved junk mail.  This time you’ve gone too far.  I don’t mind the useless clothing brochures.  I can handle an occasional free sample of lotion.  But this?  THIS?

No joke.  A copy of American Cheerleader magazine arrived in my mailbox today.  Addressed to me.  Don’t ask me how I got on this mailing list.  I have never cheered a day in my life.  Oh, and p.s. I’m not in high school or college.  I have a job and a house and a 401k.  And if I were to suddenly be interested in teen mags, I have a feeling that this would not be at the top of the list.

I mean, the number of exclamation points in this publication is exhausting.  So is the obviousness of why I never wanted to be a cheerleader.

At least I’ve been amused by the advertisements.  Teen ads are so much easier to mock than adult ones.

“When you’re strong, you sparkle.”  Just like Tinkerbell!

“Made with a crazy-absorbent material…”  You read that correctly: crazy-absorbent.  It’s a good thing they hyphenated.

I have, however, learned a few things.

- Most cheerleaders who voted on a MySpace poll considered themselves either “popular and outgoing” or “fun and friendly” as opposed to “sporty and spunky,” “leader & motivator,” “intense and competitive,” or “low key and supportive.”  I feel a lot better knowing that.

- There’s a bigger market of shaving creams and razors, lotion, acne face wash and feminine hygiene products than I ever imagined.

- Fashion at cheer camp is, like, way important.

- There are lots of variations of cheer uniforms…and they all look exactly alike.

One cheerleader noted the 5 best things about going to college.  Here were her rankings:

1.    The dining hall.
2.    Parties.
3.    College football.
4.    Going to class every morning, instead of work!
5.    I get to cheer!

Let’s just say that my favorite things looked slightly different.  (Hint: they didn’t include parties, football or cheer.)  But that’s just me.

Another useful feature in the magazine is a monthly Cheer O Scope.  I don’t mean to brag, but as a Gemini it looks like I’ve got big things ahead of me:

“So much to do!  Your focus is on changes the squad will face once this year’s seniors leave: figuring out the stunts and choreography occupy most of your non-academic time.  At home, redecorating your room takes precedence over chores in both your mom’s mind and yours (for once!).  Create plenty of room for all the sleepovers you’ll be having: social life rules!”

That’s seriously what it says.  I didn’t change a thing.

I don’t mind cheerleaders.  Honest.  I think it’s great we have them.  I just resent them rah rah rah-ing in my mailbox.  I don’t need reminders that I can’t do the splits and could never be a “flyer” unless supported by a team of WWF wrestlers.  I’m happy living in a world that doesn’t require me to wear mini-skirts or use pom-poms on a regular basis.

But hey, for those who can, go team go.

- Motorcycle riders who look like they weigh more than their bikes.

- People who use their children in photos of furniture they’re selling online.

- The couple going for a walk on Sunday wearing their church clothes and pushing their baby stroller while the husband proudly sported a gun on his holster.  He looked extremely pleased with himself. Compensating for something?

And apparently I am too. Yesterday I had someone tell me, “You look like you could have started the Sound of Music!” Thinking that he meant I was somehow rebellious but hopeful, or maybe confusing me with a convent dropout, I asked what he meant. “Well, you’re very pretty and you just look very wholesome.”

This could explain why I never got in trouble in school even when I should have. It could also explain why I’ve always wanted to turn old drapes into play clothes.

Needless to say, I’m adding it to my list of funny compliments I’ve received. And yes, the list is getting very long.

I recently got into an interesting discussion about tattoos. Here are the reasons I’m glad I don’t have any:

• No distinguishing characteristics for police sketches or line-ups.
• More money to spend on things and experiences that really leave their mark – traveling, learning new things, connecting with people.
• Random people don’t strike up conversation with me based on my markings. (Comments about height or looking familiar, on the other hand, will always abound.)
• Keeps me eligible to work for the FBI or CIA.
• I could be in a Dove advertisement.
• It’s easier to accessorize.